About Coaching

Note

• 了解人性

life coash

Coaching as a leader

• You don't need to have all the solutions
• You do need to be able to connect with people, to inspire them to do their best,

and to help them search inside and discover their own answers

• It's unrealistic and ill-advised to expect leaders to have all the answers
• By using coaching, leaders can still be effective without knowing all the answewrs

and without telling employees what to do

• Coaching is about connecting with people, inspiring them to do their best, and helping them to grow
• Coaching is also about challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own

• Asking open-ended questions
• init "so, where would you like to start?"
• may well set some limits to the conversation
• "I'm not prepared to talk about the budget today"
• "I'd like to discuss last week's meeting, in addition to what's on your list"

• identify different modes of inquiry
• diagnostic inquiry
• focusing the other person's attention on specific aspects of their story,

such as feelings and reactions, underlying causes or motives, or actions taken or contemplated

• "You seem frustrated with Chris. How's that relationship going?"
• "It sounds like there's been some tension on your team. What do you think is happening?"
• "That's an ambitious goal for that project. How are you planning to get there?"
• Confrontational inquiry
• Challenge aspects of their story by introducting new ideas and hypotheses
• "You've been talking about Chris's shortcomings. How might you be contributing to the problem?"
• "That's an exciting plan, but it has a lot of moving parts. What happens if you're behind schedule?"

• Listen
• make the other person truly feel heard
• eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, tics

• Empathize
• Empathy is the ability not only to comprehend another person's point of view,

but also to vicariously experience their emotions

• Feeling and expressing empathy is critical to helping the other person defuse their embarrassment
• shame - the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
• when employees need your help they are likely experiencing some form of shame

• traps when trying to express empathy
• compare our issues to theirs (my problem's worse)
• try to be overly positive (look on the bright side)
• leap to problem-solving while ignoring what they're feeling in the moment

• expressing empathy need not prevent you from holding people to high standards
• After you've acknowledged an employee's struggles and feelings,

they're more likely to respond to your efforts to motivate improved performace

• reference
• [How Great Coaches Ask, Listen, and Empathize](https://edbatista.com/2015/02/new-post-at-hbr-how-great-coaches-ask-listen-and-empathize.html)

Shame & Empathy

• connection
• forge meaningful authentic relationships with other people
• connection is what breathes lives and gives meaning to our lives

• Vulnerability
• Open, willing to share not only our strengths with people, but our struggles that moves us towards empathy

• Empathy
• Empathy is about being vulnerable with people in their vulnerability

• Shame
• Shame is the feeling that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy
• Shame is a belief that we are the problem
• Shame breeds fear, blame, and disconnection

• Fear arises as a protective resposne to that shame
• We fear being seen, judged, or cast out because shame tells us we're not good enough

• Fear of vulnerability
• Shame makes openness feel dangerous.

Vulnerability could lead to more shame, so we fear being emotionally honest.

• Build empathy
• Set boundaries
• openness doesn't mean oversharing.

You can be authentic while protecting your emotional space

• Sharing with trusted people can dissolve shame
• Remind yourself that imperfection is human

• Fear of judgment
• Shame convinces us we'll be criticized or humiliated, so we fear situations where we might be evaluated

• Fear of failure
• Shame links failure to personal inadequacy, making us afraid to try, risk, or grow

• The awareness of human separation, without reunion by love - is the source of shame
• It is at the same time the source of guilt and anxiety

• How do I tell these stories which is the only way

that we get out from underneath shame?

• I can't let you see these pieces of me

because I fear that it will cause disconnection

• courage, compassion & connection
• courage meant to speak your mind with your heart to tell your story
• how do I stay open and sit in that with you as opposed to moving into blame if you share your story with me?

reference