contribution-system

[AI Synthesis]: Blame judges; contribution understands. Map how everyone involved helped create the problem — not necessarily equally — then take responsibility for your share early and invite theirs.

Blame vs contribution

• At heart, blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding.
• Recognizing that everyone involved contributed does not mean everyone contributed equally.
• As you look at how each of you contributed, sharing your feelings is essential.

Hard-to-spot contributions

• You have allowed the problem to continue unchecked by not having addressed it earlier.
• Successful relationships rest on knowing that in intersections there is no one to blame — people are just different; staying together sometimes means compromising preferences and meeting in the middle.
• Problematic role assumptions also contribute.

Take responsibility early

• “We’ve both contributed to this, and I can’t fix it by myself. It’s neither fair nor sustainable for us to look only at my behavior and not yours…”
• Help them see their contribution by sharing what triggered you and making a specific request for how they can change their contribution.

Actions

• Map the joint contribution system before assigning fault.
• Name your contribution early; ask for theirs without requiring equal weight.
• Share triggers and make a specific request for change going forward.

Sources

Related Topics

• three-conversations
• intentions-and-impact
• feelings-conversation
• problem-solving-lead
• difficult-conversations